Minutes of the March 2022 Meeting of The Society of Horror Movie Pets Anonymous

5:03pm: Call to order by President Muffin (the founder of the club, who is still undergoing PTSD treatment after a disastrous summer camp trip).

This issue of the day: admission of one Winston (Church) Churchill who expressed interest in membership. Concerns were raised by multiple members that the cat’s “vibes are off.”

Muffin restates the club’s motto, which is to provide support for domesticated animals who have experienced usage as plot devices in horror media, and that judgment has no place in the group. She then opens the floor to discussion.

Secretary Precious reminds the group of “the whole thing that happened with that Cujo guy” and confirms her “nay” vote.

Vice President Harry points out that Precious lives with a sadistic killer who likes to wear other people’s skin, so maybe she should be a little less judgmental.

President Muffin urges civility, adds that this is a good reminder to make sure to stay up-to-date on one’s shots.

Treasurer Buzz interrupts to ask if maybe we should start planning the Lester Memorial Fun Run, and will they be donating the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium again, because really, it’s not a good look, give than they’ve let Lester’s killer escape “at least, like, seven times by now.”

President Muffin tables the discussion until the Church question has been resolved.

Treasurer Buzz says that vibes rarely lie, and he’s got the trauma to prove it—can we prove the guy isn’t a poltergeist or other malevolent spirit?

Vice President Harry points out that it’s kind of embarrassing the club has no feline representation and maybe this would be a good place to start.

Secretary Precious accuses the VP of tokenism.

Treasurer Buzz mentions that this discussion of inclusivity brings up an accessibility issue with the clubhouse’s location, as he has been emailing back and forth with some sharks who feel misrepresented in mainstream media but are unable to attend meetings in the Woodsboro Community Center.

He is drowned out by Vice President Harry demanding to know if Secretary Precious has some kind of problem with cats and Precious hotly declaring that she has many cat friends.

President Muffin barks until order is restored and advises Treasurer Buzz that the Horror Villains Support Group might be a better fit for his shark friends.

Vice President Harry adds that Precious’ owner would be the person to talk to about that.

Secretary Precious says clearly we’re playing fast and loose with the rules if VP Harry is considered “domesticated” enough to qualify for membership.

President Muffin awards demerits all around and demands that the group return to the matter at hand.

Vice President Harry calls the question.

The movement for Church’s membership (with a probationary period) passes 3-1.

Treasurer Buzz raises the issue of the Fun Run again, and the group agrees that perhaps another charitable cause should be selected. Vice President Harry hardly gets the phrase “Summer camp scholarship for underprivileged—” when Muffin has a panic attack and is forced to step outside and do some deep breathing.

Secretary Precious suggests that the town’s teenagers really need some wholesome and supervised activities, and proposes donating proceeds to Bates High’s prom committee, in hopes they can make this year’s celebration one to remember.

VP Harry says the seniors are taking a cruise to Manhattan, and perhaps would like some spending money for that, as well.

Upon her return, President Muffin applauds the group for thinking outside the box. The motion to donate proceeds from the Lester Memorial Fun Run is carried unanimously.

The meeting closes with a recitation of the group’s model: god grant us the speed to outrun the slashers, the puppy-eyes to convince our owners to move out of any haunted houses, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Vice President Harry points out that once Church joins, we may want to reevaluate the phrase “puppy-eyes” for inclusivity.

The meeting is forcibly adjourned.